Guess what happens when we try to put a: blackberry keylogger – capture activities on blackberry – spyera Peg of Logic in an Emotional Hole?
The exact opposite of what will ultimately H.E.L.P. us.
Present a man with a problem and what does he do? Right – he tries to solve it. Present a woman with that same problem and what does she do? Yes, of course – she commiserates. In my experience, this is one of the most common disconnects between men and women.
Women are wired to be gatherers and they do not want to gather alone. Generally speaking, they want to be heard and understood, and to feel that they have a partner by their side. (To be clear – fellas, listen up – while there will be moments when they will lead, and those when they will follow, it is the “by their side” part that we need to stay aware of and tuned into. We are visual and like to stand opposite in order to see who is in front of us. Women are spiritual and like to connect by standing on the same side, looking out together and sharing the same perspective.) But men are wired to be hunters. Not only do we rely on rigid facts, in contrast to flexible emotions, we typically move fast – we go for the quick hit. Women, however, like to take their time.
Naturally, it would be very easy to expound on this idea using an example in the bedroom. Instead, I will keep it rated PG and utilize one from the shopping arena. When men shop, we have specific tasks: we need a hammer, a winter jacket, toothpaste. And we go into the store, right to what we need, then straight to the cashier, pay for it and done. Look closely and you may see us check our watches, wondering if we set a new record.
Women like to know what’s out there, what’s available. Sure, sometimes they may have a list, though usually only when it’s the kind of shopping that has to be done under time constraints – like food shopping. Remove those restrictions and something very different happens – browsing. In fact, women do something that most men can’t understand – window shopping. The very idea that someone would spend time and effort without a “result” – and enjoy it – boggles the minds of many men. (Cough cough, bedroom.) But what they don’t realize is that there is a result – information, which really serves as currency to connect. It may drive men crazy, but this kind of wiring actually serves a valuable evolutionary purpose – bonding.
Guys, think about it. Which one of you is more likely to find out about the new show or restaurant? the new or better brand of product? the better “feathers for the nest?” Who is talking to the neighbor, family member or friend and getting that piece of information that will lead to an improvement in how you spend your time and money? These are all generalizations of course, but more often than not it’s her – not you.
Another funny element in the shopping distinction is that most of the time men are good shoppers when we know the category well. We have used that toothpaste for years, we know where it is in the store and we can find it confidently and bring it home. But have you ever seen a man shop for something he is uncertain about, like flowers or jewelry? It’s comical. That requires “browsing skills,” and for the most part we ain’t got ’em!
So what’s the point of all of this? As fun as these comparisons are, it really all boils down to something that, at least in principle, is really quite simple. Men and women are both human of course, but we are wired completely differently. And both of our mechanisms are equally valuable. But somehow in a culture where the divorce rate is almost more than 50%, we haven’t yet learned to appeal to the others’ wiring. When a woman comes home from a long, stressful day at the office and presents a work issue to her husband, instead of calmly comforting her by showing that he cares and understands, he jumps right to finding solutions – and then he gets annoyed when she doesn’t appreciate it! When a woman drags her man out shopping only to see him get bored as she tries on the fourteenth dress – in the eighth store – she can’t understand when he wanders off into the high tech gadgets section.
Happy relationships come from good communication, compromise and appealing to each others’ needs. Sometimes we will spend time with members of our respective sex, and hunt and gather until we drop. But for those times when we are with our partners, let’s try to remember that just because we would approach a situation a certain way, doesn’t mean that they will too. So whether it’s the showroom, the dressing room or yes, the bedroom, let’s remember how the other half lives.
And while we’re at it, a little patience never hurt anybody. We are all emotional beings. Logic and intellectual intelligence are great and powerful things. But, just because we can grasp something with our minds, does not always equate to our being able to immediately act accordingly.
Sometimes we just have to look in the mirror and learn from what reflects back at us. So men, the next time you want to throw logic at an emotional issue, and women, the next time you want to wrap your emotions around a man’s logical problem, remember what you get — P.L.E.H.
For the record, I’m not exactly sure what PLEH is, but I know that I don’t want anything to do with it!